Ever diligent in its search for even more laws with which to pummel people into submission, the Coalition of Nanny State Liberals and Mainstream Media (CONSLMM) believes it has uncovered the root cause behind the shootings that cost 32 innocent people their lives at Virginia Tech.
It turns out that Cho Seung-Hui was himself a helpless victim. A victim of school bullies and hate laughter because of his strange speech and shyness.
According to one ex-classmate, Cho was ridiculed in an English class after being forced to read out loud. Cho’s accent and reading style sent the whole class into laughter, with many students pointing to the South Korean native and laughingly demanding that he “Go back to China.”
Clearly, then, the solution is to ban “hate laughter” against sensitive people.
After all, the young immigrant Cho had been robbed of his self-esteem and reacted in a predictable, and almost justifiable, manner.
Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the U.S. House and President of CONSLMM, released a draft of new legislation that would sock it to bullies and protect delicate flowers like Cho Seung-Hui from the devastation of hate laughter.
Pelosi’s bill, titled “The Preservation of Self-esteem and Freedom from Don Imus and Handguns Abuse Act of 2007,” is a comprehensive approach to the complex social, economic, legal, and psychological problems that precipitate events like those acted out by Cho Seung-Hui on April 16.
Among the provisions set forth in the Act are these:
1. Makes it a federal crime to willfully and knowingly promote or participate in “hate laughter” for the purpose of diminishing self-esteem in people known to be, or suspected of being, or remotely possible of being, sensitive.
In addition to class rooms, this statute would apply to tanning booths, Jenny Craig Weight Loss clinics, adult book stores, beauty salons patronized by women over 40, Republican fund raising events, English as a second language (ESL) classes, and to border patrol agents engaged in arresting armed illegal aliens possessing at least 500 pounds of pot, cocaine, heroin, or any combination thereof.
A permanent exemption is granted for “hate laughter” directed against George W. Bush.
2. Makes it a federal offense to promote “hate laughter” in public communication forums including radio, television, movies, and the Internet.
Specifically adds “Nappy-headed Ho” to words forbidden by the FCC.
Imposes a new “Imus Recovery Surcharge” on all conservative talk shows and web sites in order to pay for monitoring and enforcement of this important public safeguard.
3. Repeals the 2nd Amendment and requires withdrawal of all U.S. troops from Iraq by Memorial Day, 2007.
All U.S. troops are to be re-deployed to the U.S. mainland and ordered to confiscate all weapons from we the people.
A permanent exemption is granted for armed guards employed to protect liberal politicians from attacks inspired by right-wing nut cases like Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage.
In the final analysis, the most reasonable response to the Cho Seung-Hui massacre was voiced by his grandfather, Kim Hyang-Sik, who said:
“Son of a bitch. It serves him right he died with his victims.”
Although Kim’s comment reportedly offended his daughter in law, it certainly makes more sense that the idiocy found in the mainstream media and echoed by liberal politicians.
John Lillpop is a Capitol Hill Coffee House staff writer.