President Bashar Assad
We are in receipt of your communiqué, dated April 4, 2007, in which Syria announces that Speaker Nancy Pelosi of the United States has been taken captive and is being held by your government.
Although we appreciate your desire to cooperate with the United States in this delicate matter, your offer to release Speaker Pelosi unharmed is categorically and firmly rejected.
To begin with, it is, and shall remain, the policy of the United States to never negotiate with terrorists.
Based on her recent attempts to force my administration to surrender to the enemy in Iraq, Speaker Pelosi is now officially considered a terrorist, at least by this office. As such, Ms. Pelosi is no longer welcome in America.
We believe that Ms. Pelosi’s anti-American attitudes and behavior are a perfect match for Syria, and most especially your administration. We encourage you to work with Ms. Pelosi to find a suitable position for her in your government.
Moreover, your offer to terminate all financial, military, and tactical support to terrorists in the middle east is unacceptable and is also rejected.
Again, your demand that we take Speaker Pelosi back is just too steep a price to pay for peace.
We are encouraged by the fact that Syria has chosen a diplomatic and peaceful course of action in this matter. Although we cannot accept either of your offers at this time, conditions may change after the November, 2008 elections.
I have asked my Secretary of State, Dr. Rice, to contact you directly in mid-November, 2008 to discuss the matter further.
In the meanwhile, I wish you all the best in dealing with Speaker Pelosi.
Please advise the speaker that we hope she finds herself in Syria. Please also tell her that Laura compliments her on that Maple Leaf-studded headscarf.
President of ‘Merica
John Lillpop is a Capitol Hill Coffee House staff wroter.